My Big Fat Low-Fat Wedding

chapter 11



Diarrheal city. That’s the life I lived last night. The rumbly in my tumbly had only one similarity with Pooh, and that’s in the silly old Bear’s name.

Basically, I shat myself all night long.

I’d over done it on the junk food front. My stomach and bowels greatly disagreed with my decision to pile crap into my gut. Therefore, I had run back and forth from bed to toilet all throughout the night.

Now that it’s morning and the sun is creeping in through the window, I’m lying in my oh so familiar bed, trying to work up the energy to get out of it.

There’s simply no way I’m spending another month of my life in the sack. Well, okay so it might not have been an entire month that time when I was laid up, but it felt like just as long!

“How are you feeling, honey bunches?” Callum pads barefoot into the room.

“I’m fine!” I shout, sitting bolt upright. This does a number on my tummy, but I’m trying to ignore the fact. “I’m going for a walk!”

“A walk?” Callum looks at the non-existent watch on his wrist. “At seven in the morning?”

“Correct!” Jumping to my feet causes my head spin a bit due to head rush factors. I steady myself and head straight into the bathroom. It’s no surprise that I don’t need to use the toilet before hopping into the shower. I’m emptied out.

After a brisk cleansing under spray of water I truly feel refreshed.

“Aaahhh!” I exclaim brightly after entering the kitchen. Stretching my arms makes my bathrobe hike itself upwards under my boobs.

“Aahh, indeed,” Callum groans and leans in for a grope of breast.

“Stop that, you silly.” I slap his hand away and adjust my dressing gown. “Say good bye to these babies because they won’t be around for long.” I point at my chest and wink at my fiancé.

“What horrors do you speak of, woman?” He mocks playfully.

“Well, they won’t be entirely shrunken, but I’m fully working out and dieting as of today, so my breasts will shrink a bit.” I hope.

Callum shakes his head. “They’d better not shrink.” He grabs me by the boobs and canoodles my neck.

“Oh for goodness sake.” I return his loving kisses, but then it’s time for business. “Quickly now, coffee!” Pouring out two brews I have mine black with no sweetener and Callum stirs milk and sugar into his mug.

“Yum!”

“Don’t pretend you’re actually enjoying that rye biscuit.” My darling fiancé winks.

“No really, I honestly love the taste of losing weight!” My exuberance knows no bounds. After pigging out like… well… like a pig, yesterday, I’m ready for a detox starting from today. “I’ve got a wedding to prep for, Cal! I can’t believe I’ve been so lax in my dieting efforts.” Setting down the dry cracker I take a grateful sip of coffee. “Well, no more piggy me. I swear it.”

Callum scrunches up his facial features. “Now who have I heard say those exact words before?” He eyeballs me directly.

“Oh do shut up.” Leaning left on my stool at the kitchen counter, I nudge my jerky fiancé in the shoulder. “This time I mean it.”

“Anybody want a peanut?”

“Stop quoting from the Princess Bride!”

Callum laughs. “Oh come on, you love that film.”

“Yes, I do.” I mumble with a mouth full of dry biscuit. “But not when its words of dialogue are used against me.”

Callum rises to his feet and stretches his arms. “Well, my blueberry muffin was delicious.”

It would be. I’m the one who made the damn delicious things. But no matter. His goading won’t get to me today. Or any day for that matter! I’m a determined bride to be! I will not look like a stuffed sock come my wedding day. I will diet and exercise until there’s nothing left of my personage but a shrivelled husk.

Okay, so maybe my thoughts are wandering a bit wildly now. I want to look thin for my wedding, not skeletal.

Callum wanders into the front room and I run upstairs. Pulling on my track suit bottoms that don’t fit properly, I scowl into the full length wall mirror. When I put on a polo top and it too is an ill fit, I despair at ever going clothes shopping again. I honestly believe that I should have been born rich. My body type is shaped funny. I need a personal tailor to sew me some clothes that fit my physique perfectly. Even though Mia had taken in my clothes by two inches everywhere, I’m still not convinced they fit well.

Sighing loudly in frustration I sit on the bed and tie up my hiking boots. I’m determined to do some Malvern Hills walking today. In fact, I’m so determined that I think I might aim for the top of the Worcester Beacon. I haven’t been able to walk all the way up to the highest point of the midlands in ages. Well, today that is going to change. I’m a woman renewed, again, for the last time!

“What are you pointing at? Is there a spider up there?”

I hadn’t realised that my inner convictions led me to express myself physically. I’m standing here with a finger in the air as though I’ve just given a speech. I did give myself a mental pep talk, but Callum doesn’t need to know that.

“Um, yeah.” I reply to my nosy fiancé. “It’s just there, can’t you see it?” I don’t give him a chance to answer. “Never mind, I’m off.” Pushing past him I make my way towards the bedroom door.

“Where are you going?”

“To the Worcester Beacon.”

“Yeah right.”

“Oh ye of little faith in me!” I turn and force my hands onto my hips.

“I’ve got every faith in you, darling.” Callum edges close and wraps his arms around my middle. “It’s just the mountain’s steep incline that defies belief.”

He doesn’t think I can do it.

Pulling away from his grasp, I squint evilly up at him. “It’s not a real mountain, the Worcester Beacon is just a hill.” A hill that I can most definitely conquer.

Callum frowns in all seriousness. “You really are determined to do this today, aren’t you?”

“Yes,” I tell him, matter of factly.

“Just promise me you won’t take any short cuts while you’re up there.”

“Psht! As if I’ll need to.” I wave him off with my hand and release myself from his embrace. “As a matter of fact,” I add. “I think I’ll take the long way around. You know? Starting at the back of the hill in West Malvern.”

I get a crooked grin in reply from my fiancé. His look makes me wonder what’s truly on his mind. I think I know what he’s thinking though. I don’t remember exactly how many times I’ve told him I’m going to do something, only to fail. I’m sure it’s more than a few though.

Well, this time will be different. Besides, it’s too late to take back what I’ve said. I should have waited to tell my betrothed about my Beacon hiking accomplishments after I’d scaled the heights. If I fail now he’ll think the same as he always does about me; that I have good intentions but I never follow through.

“That’s good, because it’s a flatter point for mum to start at as well.”

I had almost cleared the room when Callum uttered his final statement.

“Oh, Emily!” I hear Brenda squeal at me from the bottom of the stairs. I turn to look back at my fiancé but he’s conveniently disappeared into the loo.

***

“Oh!” Brenda shouts from the passenger seat nearly causing me to over correct the steering wheel and flip the car entirely. “I need to stop by Paige’s shop before we start up the hills, Emily.”

Seriously? She couldn’t have warned me about this before we left the house? It’s not that my hiking resolve is waning, it’s just that I want to get up and back down off the bloody hill at some point today. At this rate though I might just end up running errands all over town with Callum’s mother. He’d insisted she was only trying to help, back at the house, but I don’t really see how the woman is going to affect my doggedness. I’m on a personal high! I don’t need a personal trainer to kick me into gear today!

“What are you pointing at, dear? Is there a spider on your windscreen?”

Oh flip. I’ve allowed my inner convictions to express themselves physically again. I’m pointing at nothing in a gesture of determination. “Um… yes,” I reply to Brenda, placing my hand back onto the steering wheel. “It’s gone now though. It was only a tiny bug.”

Beside me, Brenda shivers. I know she hates spiders. The feeling runs in the family. I don’t know how many times Callum has told me the horror story of his youth when his dad used to torture him with big spider corpses by pretending to eat the little blighters when he’d catch them.

I give an involuntary shiver too and nearly miss shifting gears. Getting the clutch under control I nudge the car up the steep hill. I’m using the car park at the back of Belle Vue Terrace so that I can drive out of here quickly after we’ve visited Paige’s shop.

I will get up onto the top of that Beacon soon! I vow! But this time I don’t stick a finger into the air as we hop out of the car.

Upon entering the health food store I’m immediately on the lookout for hovering tub bots.

“Emily? What are you doing here?”

“Lovely to see you too, Paige.” I raise my eyebrows at the shop’s owner, wondering what the abrupt greeting is all about.

“Sorry,” she apologises and turns to Brenda. “What can I get for you two lovely ladies?” I’m about to speak, but Paige just carries on. “The usual, Emily?” She looks over her shoulder, then back at us. “Yes, the usual… I’ll get that for you while you two have a look around.”

And with that the woman takes her leave.

I look at Brenda who shrugs her shoulders. I too am disbelieving of Paige’s curt manner and all I can do is shrug my shoulders as well.

“I will have a look around, actually.” Brenda wanders around the shop as I head towards the till. As I near the back room I hear restrained speech, as though someone’s trying very hard not to scream their head off.

“You silly little robot,” I hear Paige hiss. “Just stay back here and stop wandering around my shop.”

Oh hoy. What’s this now? Is there finally another person in this blasted town who finds Oliver’s robots to be most disagreeable?

“Are you all right in there, Paige?” I call to her and she immediately presses through the beaded curtain that’s dangling in front of the doorway.

“Perfectly fine, Emily!” She replies a little too enthusiastically. “Here are your usual items.” She plops a box full of healthy foods onto the till countertop.

I suppose I could pick up an order today, I don’t need to re-stock yet, but Paige seems on edge and I don’t want to upset her. “You sure you’re all right?” I give her a look that I hope belays a sense of trust between us. “If you need to talk about certain robot problems then I’m your girl.”

“Robot problems? Whatever do you mean, Emily?”

“I mean,” I say, leaning forward and whispering so that no other customers in the vicinity might overhear. “If your robot is on the warpath you can send it back to Oliver and I won’t tell anyone.”

I don’t really know why I’m being so secretive. If I had things my way everyone in the world would know how I truly feel about Oliver’s disastrous bots. As for the current situation though, somehow I don’t think Paige is quite on the same page as me. I think she’d prefer to keep her robot matters private for some unknown reason.

“Warpath.” Paige mumbles this one word as she rings up my purchase.

“Yes, warpath,” I repeat. “The bot Oliver sent to my cafe completely trashed the place, remember?”

“Oh well.” Paige waves her hand nonchalantly. “I’m sure that was just a one off thing. My robot is okay… really… it’s a perfectly TERRIFIC AND WONDERFUL DEVICE!” The end of her statement rings out loud and true. Well, I’m not exactly sure about the truth of her words, but they’re certainly loud enough to make me take a step back. The way she’s banging on about the bloody bot you’d think the thing was listening in for a quick rewired ego boost.

“I think I’ve got everything you need, Emily.” Brenda bounds over with her basket full of health foods.

“Everything I need?”

“Yes of course, darling. Didn’t Callum tell you about the detox part of your new health and fitness regime?”

My shoulders collapse despondently. “Callum told me no such thing.”

“It’s my wedding gift to you dear.”

I glance at Paige as Brenda pats me patronisingly on the arm. Paige raises her eyebrows but doesn’t say anything.

“I’m not going to charge my daughter-in-law-to be for my expert personal trainer advice, now am I?”

Uh oh.

“This is my gift to you, darling.” Brenda places her other hand on the basket of healthy food items. “I’m going to be your personal trainer both at the gym and in your kitchen, free of charge. You’re welcome!”

I didn’t say thank you. Nevertheless, Brenda grabs me into an embrace. I thought I was doing quite all right on my own. Okay so maybe I have slipped up on the old dieting front from time to time, but this time I’m determined. The word ‘determined’ has become my new one-word mantra. I don’t need a personal trainer telling me what to eat on top of telling me how to exercise.

Deflating my shoulders ever further I slump into Brenda’s arms. Somehow, I don’t think I’m going to have much choice in the matter.

***



With my car stuffed full of health foods galore, Brenda and I wind our way up the Malvern Hills on a lovely sunshiny day. I’m parking the car at North Quarry so that my vehicle can sit in the shade. I wouldn’t want all of the extra helpings of health food items in the boot to go bad, now would I? The North Quarry car park is perfect for shading purposes. The overgrown cliffs are covered in rich foliage and thick trees line the ground beneath the exposed multi-coloured stones that make up the hillside.

Of course, the quarry at the north of Malvern is no longer in use. Harvesting the beautiful stone that is native to Malvern is no longer legal. There are, however, old homes and rock walls made of Malvern Stone. Whenever someone does a bit of exterior remodelling work on their homes, you can bet their excess Malvern Stone castoffs are picked up quick by those who covet the green, purple and red hued rocks.

It’s so beautiful up here on the hills today, I’m inclined to forget the present company I’m in, even if the woman keeps persisting that I’m stretching all wrong.

“Be careful, Emily!” Brenda bellows. “You don’t want to pull your muscle like last time.”

Oh great, so Callum told his mum about the time when I was laid up in bed for a year. Well, for a week actually, but it felt like a year at the time.

“It’s fine, I’m fine.” I reply to Brenda calmly. “I know what I’m doing.”

“Are you sure? That boulder doesn’t look particularly steady.”

“Of course it’s steady, Brenda.” Lifting my leg higher, I perch it on the big rock in front of me. “It’s been sitting here for hundreds of years through rain and snowstorms and who knows what else. I hardly think my little foot provides enough pressure to…”

I stop talking immediately when the boulder I’m leaning against moves.

“What was that, dear?”

I don’t think Brenda has noticed. She’s gazing up at the nearby cliff face.

“Nothing!” I exclaim, quickly removing my foot from the huge wobbly rock lest I go tumbling. “Maybe you’re right, I’ll just stretch over here on the grass.” Moving off the gravelled surface, Brenda follows me. I’m then subjected to fifteen full minutes of proper stretching from my newly appointed personal trainer who comes free of charge, if you’re a daughter-in-law-to-be.

It’s not that Brenda pushes too hard on my limbs as she instructs me. It’s the fact that there’s so much body contact with the woman in the first place! Especially when she keeps telling me I’m doing it wrong every three seconds.

My eyes are about to explode with tears of frustration. I bite back the watery eyes by literally chomping down on my tongue. Not too hard though, I only want to negate the pain of Brenda’s words in my ears. I don’t want to bite off my own tongue in the process.

“You’re a bit like Callum when I first started training him, aren’t you Emily?”

What’s that supposed to mean? I wonder.

“Oh but not to worry, I soon whipped my wonderful son into shape! Oh yes I did and still do!”

Brenda keeps speaking to me like this; in a very peppy manner. She reminds me of Kirsten’s exuberance just before a Zumba Zumba workout. How a woman of her age retains such energy levels, I’ll never know. I hope I’m as energetic as Brenda when I’m her age. As far as physicality goes. I’d never hope to be as pushy as she is though. If she’s pushing me this hard without yet even being related to her (by law), I dread to think how much she pushed Callum. Come to think of it, why did she whip her son into shape? What shape was he in before? A triangle or something? Because I find it hard to believe that my delectable fiancé has ever been anything but perfectly buff.

Not that it matters if he once was a triangle. And not that there’s any such thing as being a triangle. Oh bugger me, my thoughts do wander atrociously. I figure my brain wanderings have something to do with the fact that I’m trying to tune out Brenda’s demands.

“Pick up those knees!” She shouts at me as we travers the already steep hillside.

“Okay!” I huff and puff in agreement. It’s quite an incline we’re climbing, plus, the terrain is rugged and rocky. I’m sure this is great exercise, which is what I was determined to get today, but there is such a thing as over doing it after a night of shitting one’s self.

“Stop!” Brenda practically skids to a halt in front of me, kicking up dirt with her trainers. Her bright blue spandex clad legs lock at the knees, rigidly. “Did you hear that?”

Straining my ears I grind to a stop myself and listen. All I hear are birds chirping, until…

Crackle, crash.

Noises of breaking twigs near.

“What’s that?” Brenda points and I look left, following her gaze.

Through the shrubs are falling leaves. Whole spaces of bush bend and squash down into the ground.

“Something’s coming,” I say, stating the obvious. “It had better not be a—”

A robot rolls into view.

“—a f*cking robot.”

Brenda frowns at me, but I’m not bothered if she’s arsed about my language. What I am worried about is the fact that a massive steam roller like robot is crashing its way through the undergrowth towards us.

Ppshhhhh!

The contraption grinds to a halt, hissing and spitting steam from its many orifices.

Clank!

There’s a banging sound from atop the two metre high bot. I know this thing before us has got to be one of Oliver’s inventions. What else could it be?

“Hello down there!” Brenda and I ease our way to the side at the sound of a shouting voice. “Would you mind moving aside? I’ve got gully clearing to do!”

“Thomas? Is that you?”

Thomas. “Stalker boy?” I say, grinding my teeth in anger. Honestly! This kid is suddenly everywhere I am!

“What was that, dear?”

“Never mind.” Brushing Brenda’s question away, I call out. “Where are you, kid?”

“I’m not a kid! I’m a man aged eighteen and I’m up here!”

Brenda and I crane our necks to find that Thomas is indeed up somewhere. He’s actually sitting inside the giant robot. “Is this one of Oliver’s bots?” I ask loudly.

“Course it is!” Thomas yells down at me. The clanging noise must have been him opening the hatch that’s now leaning to the side. “He let me do the gully cleaning today when I said I was going up the hi…”

Stalker Boy doesn’t finish his sentence.

“Why on earth have you come up here today when I told you I’d be meeting Emily for a walk, son?” Brenda looks very put out, but not nearly as annoyed as I’m feeling right now.

“You told Creepy Kid that you were coming to see me on the hills today?” I ask Brenda before scraping a hand down my face in frustration.

She doesn’t answer me. Instead, she continues to shout at Stalker Boy. “Thomas, you’ll have to do this gully cleaning elsewhere. Emily and I are using this path!”

He doesn’t answer either of us. He just clangs the lid of the bot shut after ducking back down inside.

“How rude.” Brenda huffs.

I can’t help thinking that Thomas’s manners far extend that of mere rudeness. As of now this boy has fully creeped me out. I dread to think of the effort he must have gone through to enable himself to be up here on the hillside in such a contraption. I also dread to think his reasons for doing so were because he knew I’d be up here.